The other day I was musing that I would like a day off. More specifically, I said that I really, really, really, really, really want a day off. And that I wanted a cleaning fairy to do my chores.
I think that what I really want is a day without responsibilities.
I have so much that I HAVE to do that it makes it difficult to find the time to things that I WANT to do. When I do take time to do things that I want, I feel guilty because there is always something that needs done. I get get a true sense of accomplishment when I meet goals and needs, but the right side of my brain is really neglected.
I often wish that I had at least 200 years to live my life so that surely, in that amount of time, I would get at least some time to do fun "idle" things. I'm already 42 (nearly 43), and I've hardly spent a lick of time on the pursuits that I love, such as painting and writing. I always tell myself that as soon as I get my chores done, then there will be "idle" time to paint and write. I say "idle" in quotes because that was my father's definition. Trouble is, there is always a chore that needs done. Always. Even when I get what I think is an adequate amount of work done, then I'm exhausted.
My father was taught at a very early age that being "idle" was bad. In his family's definition, "idle" meant anything that wasn't a chore. The farm he grew up on had mounds of work to finish every day, and having time for other pursuits were not allowed. That's not to say he didn't have fun, but I think the fun was a by-product, and not an actual goal. To this day, my father can't read a fiction novel, because it isn't a good use of reading time. He gets so mad when my mother reads fiction novels because, in his opinion, there is nothing factual and therefore they are a waste of time.
With me and my siblings growing up, he taught us those same values. He would guilt us and nag us and shame us for sitting and watching TV, reading, crafting, or whatever until we got up and did something useful for the house. It was hard to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings when we were off from school; Dad was always there telling us what a waste of time it was. He was always very loving and affectionate, but he just couldn't sit and do nothing without guilt, and he taught me the same thing.
Now, what am I going to do with the rest of my life? I've got a battle to fight in my own head. I've got to get my priorities straight. I've already been letting my own children craft and read and play. I know how important that time is and how valuable it is. What about me? I've got to balance us out so that they do clean up their own messes instead of me cleaning up their messes, so that I can have time to play, too.
I see how much joy that the "idle" time brings. I see how it lights them up from the inside, and I know how that feels. It puts my brain in a completely different mode. The right side of the brain is electric. I "see" things differently. It's like being in a trance, and being in an altered state. It's a beautiful thing. I miss that.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Channeling Dave Ramsey
Dave and I started the Dave Ramsey plan a couple of years ago. Dave stumbled upon it by accident one day when he got a set on CD to listen to in the car. He liked what he heard, so I listened too...we were both hooked and became Dave Ramsey junkies. If you want to learn more, read one of his books, listen to his radio show, look him up on Fox News Business Channel, or www.daveramsey.com.
When we first listened, we started our baby step 1 emergency fund and started snowballing our debt. We weren't doing too bad and even managed to pay down some junk, paid off one credit card, paid off a bank loan, and cut up some credit cards. His plan really works!
Unfortunately, the housing market started crashing and it was getting harder and harder to get good paying construction jobs. Making ends meet became priority and the debt snowball got put in the freezer to ride out the storm. We muddled along but we sure wanted to get that snowball out of the freezer and get it rolling again. The snowball was getting nervous and hadn't been added to for over a year.
Since Dave has been in Iraq working, the snowball is officially rolling again! It's a beautiful snowball, and this month it rolled away American General and our refrigerator. The emergency fund (baby step one) is fully funded again (that's our Murphy Repellent). I love our snowball! We're going to keep kicking the debt to the curb where it belongs.
The girls and I did celebrate a little (we ate out at a restaurant), but the spending is going back to being essentials only. We can't wait to pay off more next month!
When we first listened, we started our baby step 1 emergency fund and started snowballing our debt. We weren't doing too bad and even managed to pay down some junk, paid off one credit card, paid off a bank loan, and cut up some credit cards. His plan really works!
Unfortunately, the housing market started crashing and it was getting harder and harder to get good paying construction jobs. Making ends meet became priority and the debt snowball got put in the freezer to ride out the storm. We muddled along but we sure wanted to get that snowball out of the freezer and get it rolling again. The snowball was getting nervous and hadn't been added to for over a year.
Since Dave has been in Iraq working, the snowball is officially rolling again! It's a beautiful snowball, and this month it rolled away American General and our refrigerator. The emergency fund (baby step one) is fully funded again (that's our Murphy Repellent). I love our snowball! We're going to keep kicking the debt to the curb where it belongs.
The girls and I did celebrate a little (we ate out at a restaurant), but the spending is going back to being essentials only. We can't wait to pay off more next month!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Nature Day
We had other plans for Tuesday, but those got changed by circumstances beyond our control. That means we had to plan something else so there wouldn't be a whole day of disappointment. We chose...PARK!
We went to the Brown County State Park. While driving through the park, I saw what looked like two little puff balls in the road. When we got closer, we saw that they were two baby raccoons fighting over a small piece of road kill. The raccoons were so cute, but I explained to the girls how baby animals, no matter how adorable looking, can be vicious and mean. We enjoyed watching them waddle and hiss at each other as they tried to grab the food from each other. I never could tell what they were eating, but it looked like a flat lizard.
We parked near the Nature Center and walked a self-guided trail. We stopped at all the stations and read about what was on the trail. They remembered a lot from the last time we were there, and they learned new words from the brochure. Of course we saw squirrels, chipmunks, and various birds. We brought the nature books we have and were able to identify a cow bird (and how they brood) and a Great Spangled Fritillary butterfly. Sami found a small toad, which was mercifully only played with for about a minute before she set it free.
We got to see two Eastern Box Turtles crawling close to each other. They are endangered in Indiana, therefore we didn't touch them or harass them. If we had, we would have been able to pick them up and see if they were a mating pair. Did you know that it is possible to tell the difference between boy turtles and girl turtles? Before they were endangered, we would turn them over and looks at the shape of their shell bottom. Since we couldn't touch them, we just had to speculate.
At the Nature Center we got to see a big, fat rattle snake and copperhead. They were very active and gave us a good view of their bodies and heads as they moved around their habitats. I always appreciate seeing them in real life, so that it will help me identify them if I see any in my yard. Pictures just can't do these snakes justice. Seeing the real thing and their big, triangle shaped heads will make it easier for me to know when to run screaming if one ever shows up in my yard. Seriously.
Outside the Nature Center, there is a bird feeding area and pond. The girls enjoyed watching a cowbird, and identified it by themselves since we researched it. The cowbird kept looking at itself in the one-way mirror and puffing up to scare away it's mirror-rival. They got to see just how much bird seed one little chipmunk could stuff into it's cheeks. They got to see great big frogs jump way up in the air and attempt to catch dragon flies as they buzzed by. We giggled a lot at these side shows.
I couldn't find my camera before we went, so there are no pictures to add. Bummer.
We went to the Brown County State Park. While driving through the park, I saw what looked like two little puff balls in the road. When we got closer, we saw that they were two baby raccoons fighting over a small piece of road kill. The raccoons were so cute, but I explained to the girls how baby animals, no matter how adorable looking, can be vicious and mean. We enjoyed watching them waddle and hiss at each other as they tried to grab the food from each other. I never could tell what they were eating, but it looked like a flat lizard.
We parked near the Nature Center and walked a self-guided trail. We stopped at all the stations and read about what was on the trail. They remembered a lot from the last time we were there, and they learned new words from the brochure. Of course we saw squirrels, chipmunks, and various birds. We brought the nature books we have and were able to identify a cow bird (and how they brood) and a Great Spangled Fritillary butterfly. Sami found a small toad, which was mercifully only played with for about a minute before she set it free.
We got to see two Eastern Box Turtles crawling close to each other. They are endangered in Indiana, therefore we didn't touch them or harass them. If we had, we would have been able to pick them up and see if they were a mating pair. Did you know that it is possible to tell the difference between boy turtles and girl turtles? Before they were endangered, we would turn them over and looks at the shape of their shell bottom. Since we couldn't touch them, we just had to speculate.
At the Nature Center we got to see a big, fat rattle snake and copperhead. They were very active and gave us a good view of their bodies and heads as they moved around their habitats. I always appreciate seeing them in real life, so that it will help me identify them if I see any in my yard. Pictures just can't do these snakes justice. Seeing the real thing and their big, triangle shaped heads will make it easier for me to know when to run screaming if one ever shows up in my yard. Seriously.
Outside the Nature Center, there is a bird feeding area and pond. The girls enjoyed watching a cowbird, and identified it by themselves since we researched it. The cowbird kept looking at itself in the one-way mirror and puffing up to scare away it's mirror-rival. They got to see just how much bird seed one little chipmunk could stuff into it's cheeks. They got to see great big frogs jump way up in the air and attempt to catch dragon flies as they buzzed by. We giggled a lot at these side shows.
I couldn't find my camera before we went, so there are no pictures to add. Bummer.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Swimming Season is Here
The girls can finally quit asking me, "When will the pool be open?" fifty times a day. Even when I told them, they didn't listen and asked again, and again, and again. It wasn't a matter of understanding the calendar (even though I threatened to staple one to their shirts so they would quit asking). They were just so excited and couldn't wait.
Now they are asking, "When can we go to the pool?" I can see that this is going to be the theme this year. Everything is going to revolve around the pool. I just need to set some ground rules, such as:
Now they are asking, "When can we go to the pool?" I can see that this is going to be the theme this year. Everything is going to revolve around the pool. I just need to set some ground rules, such as:
- I am not a pool toy. Sometimes I don't want someone hanging on my arms and neck giving me "indian burns" from hanging on to my bare skin.
- When I float on my back, that does not mean, "Jump on!"
- I like to relax and read on the lounge chairs. Please give me some relax time. Asking me fifty times to get in the water in a fifteen minute span does not constitute relax time. That goes double if I have to reread the same page six times because of the constant interuptions.
- I have to get in the water at my own speed. Badgering me will not hurry the process. Badgering me merely turns me into a badger who gets vicious in the water.
I do enjoy going to the pool with the girls. They get such a kick out of it. Sami has been jumping off the diving board a few years now, and Megan has been going off the diving board solo this year (she did a couple of years ago, but lost her nerve last year). It's good excercise and fun at the same time.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Unschooling, continued...
We're still doing the unschooling thing. If it feels so good, why do I feel so guilty?
I think it's because when we do a worksheet, there is something tangible to put in a binder and check off a list. When we unschool, we almost have to have a blind faith that something is being learned. Almost.
I'm going to start journaling or listing what is learned each day, just to quiet down that little type-A voice in my head that wants order. My creative side will still be satisfied, and my up-tight side will be fed. Even though I know that the girls are learning and getting more creative every day, I can use the journaling as a tool to work in suggestions of what they might be interested in and even lay out some books for stealth learning. I'm a huge fan of stealth learning.
I am going to reintroduce math (we've taken a math break), but I'm going to incorporate some suggestions from a free-thinking friend (thanks, Christy!) to make it more enjoyable this time. I've got an abacus, and that's a big hit already. They couldn't wait to take turns with it and were making huge leaps in their understanding of basic math concepts in just a few minutes of "play" with it. We're going to try Christy's method of flower pots and glass beads next for division and multiplication.
And the journey continues...
I think it's because when we do a worksheet, there is something tangible to put in a binder and check off a list. When we unschool, we almost have to have a blind faith that something is being learned. Almost.
I'm going to start journaling or listing what is learned each day, just to quiet down that little type-A voice in my head that wants order. My creative side will still be satisfied, and my up-tight side will be fed. Even though I know that the girls are learning and getting more creative every day, I can use the journaling as a tool to work in suggestions of what they might be interested in and even lay out some books for stealth learning. I'm a huge fan of stealth learning.
I am going to reintroduce math (we've taken a math break), but I'm going to incorporate some suggestions from a free-thinking friend (thanks, Christy!) to make it more enjoyable this time. I've got an abacus, and that's a big hit already. They couldn't wait to take turns with it and were making huge leaps in their understanding of basic math concepts in just a few minutes of "play" with it. We're going to try Christy's method of flower pots and glass beads next for division and multiplication.
And the journey continues...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
High School Reunion
I've always vowed to never EVER go back for a high school reunion. Never. My brother in law is the same way. Why would I feel that way you ask? Let me explain.
My high school is getting ready for their 25th reunion, and they are begging people to just show up. They even have a Facebook page about it. "We don't care how fat you've gotten! We don't care how much money you make! We just want to see you!" Money and body weight are the least of my concerns. It's the past that is keeping me from showing up.
I don't want to go because I hated who I was in high school. I was shy, awkward, invisible, and completely miserable. I couldn't wait to leave. I was bullied, not often, but still I was bullied by certain teachers and students. These particular teachers and students were beloved by the school's "popular" students and they are still chums with each other today. Mostly I was ignored. I didn't matter to most of them. I was never invited to a party. Never. I just showed up at one party on graduation day and was completely ignored the whole night. Why do they think that would be any different now?
When I was a senior in high school, I was introduced to the Army National Guard. I found out about the National Guard when my brother had just gotten out of the Air Force and joined a local transportation unit. It was intriguing to me that I could be in the Army part time and get college money. I decided to join, but not just for the money. I was making my first step to not being ignored. I refused to stay in that box I was pushed into anymore.
Basic training was the best thing I could have done, as it shattered what I was and it grew me into the woman that I am today. I think that God leading me to the Army was the single most important thing that moved me into the direction that I am today. Thank you, God! He placed the opportunity in front of me and allowed me to see the potential of my life.
After successfully completing basic training, I stepped into college with a fresh slate. I knew I would do great academically, but now I knew that I would also do great socially. No one knew who I was and that I was supposed to be ignored. If I could survive basic training, then college would be a piece of cake. I made dozens of friends in college and hundreds more in my 22 years in the Army National Guard. The Army led me to my beloved husband. Compare that to the two friends I made in High School.
Homeschoolers are often asked about socialization. Many people think that going to a public school will make a person well rounded socially, and allow them to deal with all of life's social problems. Well, that socialization almost ruined me. I shudder to think of what my life would have been like if I had stayed where that "socialization" told me to stay.
I will happily stay at home while the other alumni go to the reunion. They can reminisce about all the good times they had. I'll reminisce about all the blessings that God gave me after high school.
Added later: When I said that I only had two friends, I meant two true friends where we did everything together. I would like to add that there are a few people whom I would also call acquaintance friends; they were nice to me during class, and were even nice to talk to during the years afterwards if we happened to meet somewhere. We just never did anything during school or after school together.
My high school is getting ready for their 25th reunion, and they are begging people to just show up. They even have a Facebook page about it. "We don't care how fat you've gotten! We don't care how much money you make! We just want to see you!" Money and body weight are the least of my concerns. It's the past that is keeping me from showing up.
I don't want to go because I hated who I was in high school. I was shy, awkward, invisible, and completely miserable. I couldn't wait to leave. I was bullied, not often, but still I was bullied by certain teachers and students. These particular teachers and students were beloved by the school's "popular" students and they are still chums with each other today. Mostly I was ignored. I didn't matter to most of them. I was never invited to a party. Never. I just showed up at one party on graduation day and was completely ignored the whole night. Why do they think that would be any different now?
When I was a senior in high school, I was introduced to the Army National Guard. I found out about the National Guard when my brother had just gotten out of the Air Force and joined a local transportation unit. It was intriguing to me that I could be in the Army part time and get college money. I decided to join, but not just for the money. I was making my first step to not being ignored. I refused to stay in that box I was pushed into anymore.
Basic training was the best thing I could have done, as it shattered what I was and it grew me into the woman that I am today. I think that God leading me to the Army was the single most important thing that moved me into the direction that I am today. Thank you, God! He placed the opportunity in front of me and allowed me to see the potential of my life.
After successfully completing basic training, I stepped into college with a fresh slate. I knew I would do great academically, but now I knew that I would also do great socially. No one knew who I was and that I was supposed to be ignored. If I could survive basic training, then college would be a piece of cake. I made dozens of friends in college and hundreds more in my 22 years in the Army National Guard. The Army led me to my beloved husband. Compare that to the two friends I made in High School.
Homeschoolers are often asked about socialization. Many people think that going to a public school will make a person well rounded socially, and allow them to deal with all of life's social problems. Well, that socialization almost ruined me. I shudder to think of what my life would have been like if I had stayed where that "socialization" told me to stay.
I will happily stay at home while the other alumni go to the reunion. They can reminisce about all the good times they had. I'll reminisce about all the blessings that God gave me after high school.
Added later: When I said that I only had two friends, I meant two true friends where we did everything together. I would like to add that there are a few people whom I would also call acquaintance friends; they were nice to me during class, and were even nice to talk to during the years afterwards if we happened to meet somewhere. We just never did anything during school or after school together.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Reprecussions of Babysitting
When I babysat last weekend for the six foster children, one bio and my own two, I was exhausted physically and emotionally at the end of the adventure. Who wouldn't after watching two year old twin boys, a three year old boy, a 7 year old boy and 10 year old girl who just found out they were never going back to their mother, a 13 year old OCD boy, and a ten year old bio boy. Babysitting is one thing, but this group of children was different. I blogged once on this, but deleted it because it was too emotionally charged.
I am happy that I was able to do this for a friend, and I'm glad that her kids did well during the weekend. Physically, the children did well. Emotionally, I think that her children did fine as well. I certainly tried to do my best to make sure that they got what they needed for the weekend and that they had a decent time. The problems were with me and my daughters: we were the basket cases.
I wear my feelings on my sleeves. I was even told this by a TAC officer during some Army training once! This weekend was no different, and I saw it in my children as well. We wore our feelings on our sleeves, pants, and underwear.
I have commanded hundreds of Army soldiers successfully. I have successfully dealt with Article 15's, counselings, staff meetings with generals. I was a store manager for several years. I hired and fired people. I had to deal with insane (literally) customers. I was responsible for hundreds of thousands of dollars of Army equipment and merchandise. Nothing prepared me for this babysitting weekend. The girls and I were not emotionally prepared for all the constant fighting, yelling, disruption, interruption, disrespect, fibbing, disobeying, and never-ending bedlam.
Sami has never dealt well with chaos, so I wasn't surprised when she shut down while we were babysitting. I felt bad for her and helped her through it. I just kept her by my side the whole time to help her feel safe. Honestly, I felt exactly the same way and wanted someone to comfort me. I watched Megan, but she just played and did fine and held her own. It turns out that she just put up a great front. The second I started the truck engine to go home, Megan started bawling because she was so happy to leave. She cried most of the way home, and we have a 45 minute trip. I felt horrible putting my children through this. I made a choice to put myself through this, but my children were not given a choice.
I naively thought that this would be a learning experience for my children. I thought that there would be a little chaos but that we would smooth over the bumps as they came. I thought all the children would play and frolic and get along. The problem was that there were no bumps. It was a demolition derby, 24/7, for three solid days. Was it good to show my girls how other children live? I don't know. It's good to know that a stove is hot, but that doesn't mean I want them to touch the burner for three days. I honestly think that my children were emotionally damaged by this weekend and it's going to take some time to heal fully.
My friend called yesterday and asked me if I would babysit the whole weekend again sometime, and I had to tell her that I couldn't, at least not for a long time. I told her that I'm glad I could babysit this past weekend for her, but I would have to think long and hard before I would consider doing a whole weekend again. If I do, I won't take my girls. I felt bad telling her no. I like my friend and would love to be able to help her out, but I emotionally can't handle it. Anyone who knows me knows how impossible it is for me to say no, but this was so important that I just couldn't' say yes.
I always do my best at everything I do, and in this case I did my best. It just wasn't good enough.
I am happy that I was able to do this for a friend, and I'm glad that her kids did well during the weekend. Physically, the children did well. Emotionally, I think that her children did fine as well. I certainly tried to do my best to make sure that they got what they needed for the weekend and that they had a decent time. The problems were with me and my daughters: we were the basket cases.
I wear my feelings on my sleeves. I was even told this by a TAC officer during some Army training once! This weekend was no different, and I saw it in my children as well. We wore our feelings on our sleeves, pants, and underwear.
I have commanded hundreds of Army soldiers successfully. I have successfully dealt with Article 15's, counselings, staff meetings with generals. I was a store manager for several years. I hired and fired people. I had to deal with insane (literally) customers. I was responsible for hundreds of thousands of dollars of Army equipment and merchandise. Nothing prepared me for this babysitting weekend. The girls and I were not emotionally prepared for all the constant fighting, yelling, disruption, interruption, disrespect, fibbing, disobeying, and never-ending bedlam.
Sami has never dealt well with chaos, so I wasn't surprised when she shut down while we were babysitting. I felt bad for her and helped her through it. I just kept her by my side the whole time to help her feel safe. Honestly, I felt exactly the same way and wanted someone to comfort me. I watched Megan, but she just played and did fine and held her own. It turns out that she just put up a great front. The second I started the truck engine to go home, Megan started bawling because she was so happy to leave. She cried most of the way home, and we have a 45 minute trip. I felt horrible putting my children through this. I made a choice to put myself through this, but my children were not given a choice.
I naively thought that this would be a learning experience for my children. I thought that there would be a little chaos but that we would smooth over the bumps as they came. I thought all the children would play and frolic and get along. The problem was that there were no bumps. It was a demolition derby, 24/7, for three solid days. Was it good to show my girls how other children live? I don't know. It's good to know that a stove is hot, but that doesn't mean I want them to touch the burner for three days. I honestly think that my children were emotionally damaged by this weekend and it's going to take some time to heal fully.
My friend called yesterday and asked me if I would babysit the whole weekend again sometime, and I had to tell her that I couldn't, at least not for a long time. I told her that I'm glad I could babysit this past weekend for her, but I would have to think long and hard before I would consider doing a whole weekend again. If I do, I won't take my girls. I felt bad telling her no. I like my friend and would love to be able to help her out, but I emotionally can't handle it. Anyone who knows me knows how impossible it is for me to say no, but this was so important that I just couldn't' say yes.
I always do my best at everything I do, and in this case I did my best. It just wasn't good enough.
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